[December 10, 2024] by Kathy Scott, PhD, and Bridget Sarikas
Healthy Me Series - #4
This is #4 in our Healthy Me Series designed to encourage each of us to rethink what success looks like personally and professionally in today’s world. This blog is focused on nurturing wellbeing through social connection that engages both the head and the heart.
In our last blog we began exploring our human need for social connection, in spite of the fact that we also have an innate desire to be independent at the same time. Research clearly demonstrates that social connection is a basic biological need that nourishes and bolsters our emotional immune system and overall health. Without it we are more prone to living in a cycle of repetitive negative thoughts that bring us down and keep us from healthy living.
In this blog we are talking about social connection that goes well beyond “networking” with others. In networking relationships we too often view the other person as a commodity, someone we can use as an instrument to achieve a goal to move ourselves forward in our own interests. Rather, we are encouraging social connection with another human that is welcoming, gracious, genuinely curious, and leads with a willingness to learn about their life as well as share some of your own. In other words, it’s about investing our time in getting to “know” them. Through boosting our connections heart-to-heart and head-to-head, we can not only influence others’ wellbeing, but our own as well, turning around some of the negativity and loneliness we find ourselves in.
Here are three practices that boost our ability to socially connect with others – the practices of empathy, mutuality, and authenticity.
Empathy. Empathy is an important skill for connecting. It is the ability to imagine the feelings that someone else is experiencing. It involves a willingness to consider and/or explore another person’s feelings within the context of their experience. Our opinion isn’t critical here – our heart is. When we empathize, we put ourselves in the shoes of the other person to try on their point of view, suspending our doubts, judgments and personal needs in favor of exploring their perspective. The focus is on understanding the other person and their feelings, not necessarily on accepting their view of the situation as our own.
We also need to look beyond their words. Ninety percent of an emotional message is nonverbal. People’s emotions are expressed through cues such as tone of voice, gestures, facial expression and the like, and are often taken in unconsciously. Shakespeare said that the eyes are the window to our soul. So whether we are face to face or virtually present with someone, it is helpful to watch with intention and keep our mind open to new ways to see others and understand their perspective.
When feeling particularly un-empathetic, take a slow deep breath before reacting, ask more questions, check in more often, stay curious and put on that other person’s shoes. This takes practice and when we do this, the learning moments become a gift to each other. So let’s be more intentional about building connection. What’s there to lose?
Mutuality. Mutuality is a dynamic condition in which two or more people simultaneously experience situations together. It is a sharing of energy. When we do something together, such as watch a funny movie, cook a holiday meal, or play a game of hoops, our brains’ emotional responses synchronize, even if we are with strangers. It creates a connection that is comforting, even when the experience isn’t. As an example, hospitalized patients and their nurses often feel a strong sense of mutuality after going through difficult times together. Mutuality shores people up and is forever memorable.
Think about the special people in your life and the situations you enjoy together. Find innovative ways to experience these and other events together. Get creative -- a friend or family game night, a cooking class, or meeting up for a drink and conversation. Do something fun or relaxing and provide that needed break from the daily madness. Talk about it. Plan it together. Do it soon.
Authenticity. Authenticity is the ability to present ourselves to others in a manner that genuinely represents our thoughts and feelings while reserving our self-respect. It is not about giving away our privacy for attention, money or gain. It begins with having a good understanding of who we are and what makes us tick. We often learn more about ourselves when we move in and out of new, difficult and challenging situations, noticing what builds or diminishes our energy and feelings of purpose. This requires paying attention to when we are pretending, performing, pleasing, perfecting or looking for approval from another rather than acting out of our own thoughts, values and beliefs.
Authentic living is built on an internal clarity of our identity or purpose – that deep down thing that strengthens and even liberates us, gives us joy and meaning in even the most mundane acts. And when we make intentional choices over and over that build on this purpose, we are better able to share our real self with others. This may be difficult initially but with courage we can begin a journey that is life-altering as we connect in more meaningful ways with others.
It’s Time to Nurture Our Health and Connect
We live stronger lives when we have something positive to move toward. Too often we find ourselves fighting against our current circumstances, resisting, ruminating, and going nowhere. Connection with others can help us get unstuck and serve as an accelerator for healthier living.
Don’t sit on the sidelines waiting for someone to make a connection with you or for you. Reach out with intention this week to one or more people in your life. Experience something together that you both enjoy. Talk and laugh about it, share the real you versus the perfect you. Give this person some of your time and attention. You’ll feel more alive, more energized, and they will too. Do it for the health of it!
Titter Time:
“Here’s human empathy for you: Things die all over our windshields and we’re like, “Man I just washed this!”
~ Author unknown
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